Hello Gorgeous! I’ve decided to launch a new thread in this blog: The Man File. This is where I share my insights about men, with the goal to help women in their romantic interactions with the opposite sex. Like you, I have had my heart broken again and again because I didn’t understand the way men operate. I’ve made some observations that have served me well. With a few facts in mind, we can enjoy the opposite sex more and get our feelings hurt less.
Sometimes I wonder if we are at the end of love. People don’t seem to date any more and are having children without relationships. It happens, but it isn’t the preference of most women to parent alone. We want sex but we also want love and we want partnership. Men are nearly always interested in the sex portion of that triangle. So we come into the situation with different goals. So what can we do?
Well.. we can slow down. Stop rushing in with expectations of love and partnership. Don’t get me wrong. It is fine to desire love and partnership. However, you are beautiful and precious. Not every person you meet is a suitable partner for you. That holds true even when you find love. (Note to self, future Man File post: Love Is Not Enough.) My point is before you imagine a life, imagine a moment! Apply the personality test: Is this a person you get along with and love being around or is this a person you have to grit your teeth to tolerate? Before you imagine walking down the aisle and being happily ever after with this man as your prince, determine if he is even friend-worthy. Is this someone you really want to be friends with? Is he fun? Kind? Pleasant? Does he see women as his equals or as prey? Is he industrious or a bum? Can you speak your mind without an argument? Does he value your opinion? Does he have manners? Does he hold the door for you? See what he is about before you see yourself with him for a lifetime!
How long does it take to find this out? It certainly takes longer than a single conversation and a single date. It usually takes me one interaction to know if I want to know more and three dates (Note: 3rd date is NOT for sex) to decide I LIKE a man from a personality perspective, but it takes as long as you need. If he is in a hurry, he is being insincere, period. A man who wants to build a relationship with you is patient because building takes time.
Think of it like shopping. When you have a special occasion to attend, how often do you walk into the store and find the perfect dress after looking at just one? NEVER! It takes multiple choices, multiple stores, multiple try-ons. We look it over carefully. How does it fit from every angle? We ask that dress a lot of questions! If you put more effort in choosing a dress or outfit than choosing a man, you have some adjustments to make!
At the same time, we are realistic in choosing a dress. We may have an ideal in our heads but we make adjustments and find a dress we love even if it isn’t what we had originally envisioned. Sometimes we try something on a dress just to try it and find out it is THE ONE. It may look more beautiful once you put it on because it fits well. Sometimes it takes a friend to get us to try it out . We can apply these principles to men and be open to someone who may not fit the exact ideal in our heads.
Just as you try multiple dresses before choosing one, date multiple men before choosing a relationship! It takes time to get to know someone and there is nothing wrong with getting to know multiple someones at once.
Let’s stay on the last point for a moment. Whenever I have said this in the past, there are always women that think I am encouraging them to sleep around. I AM NOT! Getting to know a man does not include sleeping with him, and if you do it will never be more than that. Put every man you meet in the acquaintance zone. From there, he can work his way up to friend, stay an acquaintance or leave your life. After friendship, decide if he is dating material and ultimately marriage material, in that order and not skipping any steps. LET HIM DO THE WORK. You just enjoy his personality. Let him come to you and enjoy winning your heart. If he can’t put in the effort, you are not of value to him and should move on to be someone else’s treasure. Of course, if you are not interested, be kind and don’t waste his time.
If this seems a little old school, it is. A man wants loyalty – to know his woman can be trusted and is not going to sleep around. The only way he can gauge this is by how you are with him. He will test you. My auntie told me many years ago that a man doesn’t expect you to say yes just because he asks you for sex– but he’ll take it! And guess what? If that happens, you just failed his test. He will either soon be gone or whenever he is around, it’s only long enough to have you in bed.
When a man meets you, he is physically attracted to you. That is how he chooses who to talk to. He will get to know you as a person later. However, if you don’t allow later to happen before sleeping with him, you will be forever stuck in the sex zone. It takes a man a while to develop emotion for someone but women can do so almost instantly. Get to know him as a person before you know him in the Biblical way! By the way – once you are stuck in the sex zone with a man, the only escape is to end the relationship. Know that men hear what you say but they understand and believe what you do. (Men operate in the same manner. I’ll explain in a future post.)
I hope this information will help you live happier in your romantic endeavors!